


Unsuited for surveillance

by TheArticulatedTurnip



Category: The Professionals, Yes Minister
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-11
Updated: 2013-06-11
Packaged: 2017-12-14 16:59:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/839215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheArticulatedTurnip/pseuds/TheArticulatedTurnip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hacker isn't sure which is worse: being trailed by CI5, whoever they are, or the lamentable dress standards of the security services</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unsuited for surveillance

Bernard looked up from his desk as Humphrey Appleby breezed in. 

"Ah, Bernard. The security alert is over. We've identified the two men the protection officers photographed. They work for CI5. Apparently Cowley thinks the Minister might be running a financial scam." 

Bernard's eyebrows rose. "Really?"

"Bernard, do I usually walk in and tell you dissembling and misleading half-truths?" 

Bernard's brain caught up with his mouth just in time to avoid disaster. 

"Yes, Bernard, really. And you know as well as I do that neither the Minister nor this department could organise a financial scam even with an instruction sheet." 

The door clicked behind him as Jim Hacker backed through the door, his arms outstretched and his head hidden behind a pile of red boxes. From somewhere in the pile a voice said, "I'm sorry. What did you say, Humphrey?" 

"Good morning, Minister. I said neither the Minister nor this department would organise a financial scam even if instructed to." 

Forestalling any query, he pressed on. 

"Minister, they've identified the two unsavoury types that you said seemed to be following you about. They appear to be on our side." 

"Our side? But one of them doesn't even wear a suit." 

"No, Minister. Standards have clearly fallen." 

"So why are they following me?" 

"Because they think you might be one of them, Minister." 

"One of them?" Hacker sounded perplexed.

"Yes, Minister. One of them."

"But I'm married! How can they suspect such a thing?" The tower of boxes wobbled alarmingly. "Bernard, will you please take these boxes off me?" 

Bernard began taking down the tower of boxes. 

"No, Minister," replied Humphrey. "One of _them_. Our comrades from Cambridge." 

"I'm not sure I care for that tone, Humphrey. And anyway, I went to the LSE." 

"One does one's best, Minister." 

"So how can I be one of them?" Hacker's face looked ever more confused as it slowly appeared from behind the shrinking pile of boxes. 

"Not at all, Minster. You are most certainly one of us," Humphrey assured him. 

Bernard chipped in brightly, "What the Permanent Secretary is trying to explain, Minister, is that George Cowley thinks you might be a spy." 

"But that's preposterous!" Hacker's face struggled to look cross and confused at the same moment. Confusion won. "And who is George Cowley?" 

Humphrey sought to calm the minister, "Indeed, Minister. We all know you are too straightforward, honest and open to be a spy. George Cowley runs CI5, a security department. "

"But I've never heard of CI5." 

"That's the idea, Minister." 

"Can we stop this nonsense, Humphrey? Surely George Cowley is answerable to someone." 

"Well, Minister. CI5 is a quasi-independent element of the security services, which makes it the responsibility of the Home Secretary. It occupies a curious constitutional position. It is managed by the Home Office but it is classed as an intelligence matter. It's an exempted body for oversight under the Tunstall rules. It can in theory be asked to appear at Parliamentary enquiries but has the power to refuse. One might consider that CI5 should be accountable under EU directives, but intelligence is a reserved matter. And of course one should not overlook the question of proportionality." 

"And that means?" Hacker queried. 

"That means 'no'," supplied Bernard. 

"No? No what?"

"No, we can't stop this nonsense." 

"But, Humphrey, Tunstall was Home Secretary. Who allowed him to give so much power to this CI5?" 

"Minister, he did it himself. You see he was one of them and Cowley knew it." 

"Tunstall was a spy?" 

"No, Minister." 

"He went to Cambridge?" 

"No Minister. He went to Eton and then Balliol. In that respect, he is one of us." 

"But you said he was one of them?" 

"No Minister he's one of _them_..."

Hacker looked tentatively enlightened.

"... and George Cowley had him over a barrel." 

Enlightenment turned to shock.

"Humphrey, that's rather more detail than we need." 

"Minister, I shall have a word with the Cabinet Secretary. You have a meeting with Fundamentalists Against Filth in ten minutes and then a tree-dedicating ceremony in Chelsea." 

Hacker looked wary. "Ah yes. The indefatigable Mrs Bishop. You know, Humphrey, I can't understand why the PM's office felt I was the man for this. She was telling me about this new thing called satellite television. Apparently it's full of pornography and I should take a look." 

"Yes, Minister." 

\----- 

Humphrey leaned back in the armchair in the Civil Service club. Sir Arnold looked thoughtful.

"I'm afraid this is a tricky one, Humphrey. The Home Secretary doesn't know about CI5." 

"Doesn't know?" 

A slight smile spread across Sir Arnold's face. "He's never asked. How did your Minister find out?" 

Sir Humphrey shook his head, "The number of people in jeans and misfitting jackets at the Lord Mayor's garden party was quite low. I don't believe his wife is used to quite such overt appraisal while greeting people at the Royal Society For Actuarial Transparency dinner, either. "

"And you couldn't very well tell him they were press," Arnold agreed. 

"Certainly not. He might have started to make a speech. Unsupervised." Humphrey looked pained. 

"You do understand what all this is actually about, Humphrey? The Department of Administrative Affairs clampdown on spending will cost CI5 over ten percent of its budget. I've had Cowley onto me already about this. Agents are expensive to train."

Sir Humphrey steepled his fingers. "I see. Is there a press briefing this afternoon, Arnold?" 

"I believe there is." Arnold smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow at the Embassy do." 

\---- 

Bernard surveyed the newspaper Sir Humphrey had handed to him and looked up. "What will the Minister say?" 

"Bernard, the question is not what the Minister will say, but what the Minister should say." 

"But surely... surely we are supposed to do what the Minister says?" 

"That, Bernard, is why it is so important we ensure he says the right things." 

\---- 

Jim Hacker surveyed the press reports. HACKER CUTS THREATEN NATIONAL SECURITY. PENNY-PINCHING TOFFS THREATEN OUR BRAVE LADS. CHICKEN SOUP MAY CURE GOUT.

"What are we going to do, Humphrey?" 

"Well, Minister, far be it from me to claim nutritional expertise, but--"

"That's not what I mean, Humphrey. What are we going to do about this?" He pointed at the offending headlines.

There was a short pause as they contemplated them again. Finally, Sir Humphrey stirred. 

"Well, Minister, you could bow to public opinion." 

"That isn't what you usually recommend, Humphrey. Last time I wanted to make a perfectly sensible policy change - entirely in keeping with public feeling - you called it 'squalid grubbing for votes'." Hacker's memory was unusually clear on this point.

Humphrey endeavoured to placate him. "Minister, the opinions of the public are not a substitute for years of refined policy analysis by the Department, even as short-staffed as the Department currently is. However, there are rare and serendipitous times when by chance the two agree." 

"And we should encourage that, you mean?"

"Not necessarily, Minister. If one were to do it too often the public might begin to think it ran the country." 

"But this time we should? So we should amend the Bill to exclude the security agencies?" 

"Yes, Minister. I think that would make the Prime Minister's office happy too. I shall have Bernard arrange the redrafting and there will be a television interview on Thursday." 

"Thursday, Humphrey? Isn't that the day we release the efficiency statistics?" 

"Yes, Minister." 

"Do we normally release other news on the same day?" 

"Only when the statistics are bad," Bernard assured him from the corner. 

Hacker threw Bernard a suspicious look, before returning to the point.

"And Humphrey - what about those horrible men who are following me?" 

"Minister, that is out of our hands." 

"Hmph. Still, at least they'll be able to afford a tailor with the cutbacks reversed. Suggest it to Cowley, will you?"

"Yes, Minister."


End file.
